How do I practice self-care?

The term ‘self-care’ is thrown around a lot. It’s found its way into beauty and spa commercials, and even TV (‘Treat yo-self!’ – Donna and Tom from Parks and Rec). But does it involve more than just scented candles and a mani-pedi at an expensive spa? What is self care and why is it important?

Self-care looks different for everyone. But for me, it’s remaining emotionally free in a world that makes demands of you. How I do this has two essential parts: awareness and relaxation.

1) Awareness

Wait – why is this even here? Doesn’t self-care mean letting go and doing whatever the hell you want?

Sure, it would be more fun to sleep in on Saturday and then binge-watch Netflix all day. But I find that when I jump straight to the relaxing bit, I can’t seem to unwind. I still have junk in my brain – that mental and emotional clutter we all accumulate just from being out in the world. Being overstimulated can make me agitated, tired and impatient.

To address this, and unpack the junk from my mind, I have to be aware of what the junk is. If I don’t – trying to relax feels like fighting against my mind, which just wants to overthink.

Here are some choices I have to be more aware:

– Pranayama breathing
– Mindfulness meditation
– Reiki
– Journaling
– Morning pages from The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron
– Therapy

… It sounds tiring to be aware.

Honestly – yes, it’s bloody hard sometimes. 

Sometimes I just want to watch trash on TV all day, or stay in bed, or drink wine to forget my problems. But then I remember none of this stuff is relaxing for me – it’s just distracting, just repressing shit. Once I face what I’m feeling, I would rather not watch trash on TV, or stay in bed, or drink wine, because I don’t really find any of these things fun.

Awareness is a way to find yourself again, through all the muck and haze of everyday life.

It doesn’t feel like a chore if I have a variety of tools to choose from. By having 6 options here, I can choose, depending on my mood. And since I try to integrate some daily as much as possible (e.g. reiki and morning pages) when I get to the weekend I shouldn’t have much of a ‘backlog’ of emotional and mental clutter.

Now, when I turn to relaxing, it is with more of a light mind and a free heart, so I can let go and play.

2) Relaxation

The benefits of relaxation are powerful and under-rated. Relaxation is how the body rests, regenerates, and recovers. Without relaxation, there can be no healing. When we are active in the world there is always a slight clenching, a contraction, where we put on emotional armour. We have to do this even to leave our house and cross the street to go to the bus stop.

But when we relax, we unclench. We allow ourselves to breathe. We let ourselves be immersed in play that is wholesome, sometimes solitary, and done for the purpose of quiet enjoyment.

Everyone has different methods of relaxing. Here are some of my favourites:

– Reading with a tea
– Playing the piano
– Going to a restaurant and savouring wholesome conversation and food

Relaxation rules

Nothing you do should introduce new stress or tension into your body. Here are some examples.

– If I’m reading to relax, I wouldn’t read some gruesome crime novel, as my body will still be tense.
– If I’m playing the piano with the intention of relaxing, I will play not practise – I’ll play whatever I feel like – no exam pieces, no scales – just wherever the mood takes me.
– If I’m socialising to relax it should not be stressful, e.g. in a loud club or with new people.
– When eating, I’m not going to say I’m practicing self-care if wolfing down a greasy burger, fries and Coke. While delicious, it’s not helping my body relax, as I’m putting new toxins into it, which represents a new cause of stress.

Doing the more intense version of these activities (like reading a crime novel) is obviously perfectly okay to do in your spare time. It just won’t necessarily relax you.

How much self-care do I need?

Everyone also has different amounts of self-care they require. Introverts and HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons) often need to practice it every day. They tend to feel like they absorb the energies of other people, so need more time to come back into their own space.

Extroverts may need less time alone – but that does not mean they do not need to practice self care. Being overstimulated and overwhelmed with no outlet has negative effects for everyone, introvert or extrovert.

Just make sure you don’t put off caring for yourself, using a crazily busy routine as an excuse. Every time I’ve done this I’ve ended up sick, without fail.

Self care is important, and if your body, mind and spirit doesn’t get it, it will let you know.

The more drastically you need to stop and relax, the more unpleasant your body’s signal will be. If the body needs to make you sick to stop, it will do this. The more jarring, the more effective. To avoid this, it’s better to consciously practise self-care every week; or better yet, every day. Self-care is also self-kindness, and we can’t be kind to anyone unless we start with ourselves.