16 things I hate about misogyny

When I think of misogyny, there’s not one single belief or behaviour that can encapsulate how gross this word makes me feel. So here are 16 things that misogyny represents (that I hate).

Misogyny is:

1. Expecting a belief or behaviour from one sex/gender you don’t expect from another
2. Not liking it when a woman points out the mismatched expectations between her and a male
3. A stamp of outdated thinking that is not synonymous with culture or respecting your elders
4. An attitude some cultures mistakenly believe is part of the status quo/normal
5. Taking for granted all the work a woman does that a man doesn’t, because those tasks are ‘women’s work’
6. Having unreasonable expectations of women and thinking you’re being flattering when you call them superwoman
7. Not restricted to gender – some of the most extreme misogynists are women
8. Making fun of individuals who question gender norms
9. Believing a woman should be the perfect wife/ mother/housewife/professional/friend, and do it all with an unfaltering smile
10. Telling a woman ‘smile, love, you look better when you smile’
11. Thinking a woman’s anger is inherently irrational and asking her if she is PMS-ing
12. Making a woman feel like she’s being difficult when she voices an opinion
13. Mansplaining, the unsubtle art of speaking over a woman because a man thinks he can talk better than her
14. Telling a woman she’s being too emotional when she voices an opinion
15. Believing a woman must be gentle and maternal to be worthy of womanhood
16. Thinking a woman needs to conform to **any imaginary idealised standard** to be worthy of womanhood.

Feminism is not extreme, it’s logical.

The word ‘feminism’ gets a bad rap and it’s a damn shame. There’s nothing extreme about feminism, given that its premise is that everyone – regardless of sex or gender – whatever a person’s pronouns are – receives equal treatment.

If we strip back what feminism is to examine its pure underlying purpose, it’s about treating everyone equally.

Equal rights are a huge part of it. This is what started off the feminist movement; women fighting for the same autonomy as men, through the right to work, vote, and own property. Women even had to fight for the right to go to school in the 1800’s. We have of course come a long way since then; even if women are still fighting, for equal pay for equal work to men, for example.

But equality of expectations is one area of social change we are still sorely falling short of.

Even though women now have similarly busy lives to men, there are unwritten cultural expectations that force a women to do much more. A woman will often go and work the same hours as a man, come home equally tired as them. Expecting a woman to then single-handedly cook, clean, look after the kids, and ‘look after her man’ when he is an able-bodied human adult, is an example of casual misogyny that often goes unquestioned.

Excuse my slightly unZen language here, but the truth is, unless we are uncompromising dick worshippers who believe we have to serve every human with a penis, it makes no sense at all.

Culture is an outdated defence

Another unacceptable defence of misogyny is ‘culture.’ It’s like we give misogynistic attitudes immunity from being questioned because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

A culture is simply a group of people who share something in common, like a set of collective beliefs or habits. If you’re part of a culture that is acting out misogynistic mindsets and behaviours, then part of what is being shared is oppression.

This doesn’t mean there are no positive things about the culture. But wherever there are oppressive expectations, that culture cannot thrive and grow, because the freedom and growth of its members is being stifled.

This is why it is the younger generations’ role to question the bullshit they see that’s common in the lives of older adults. This is how mindsets grow and evolve; this is how conditioning can start to unravel itself and be exposed as either something that is helpful or a hindrance in our lives.

It serves no one to continue treating women as if they are martyrs (least of all, women themselves). If a woman wants to say no, to say ‘I’m too tired to do the f*ing dishes today;’ to say ‘let’s get takeout today’ or if she wants to let her house get messy AF because life is currently chaotic, she’s allowed. It doesn’t denigrate her and it doesn’t diminish her worth as a person.

These are just everyday examples, but they apply for any expectation imposed on a woman, for the sole reason that she happens to be a woman.

Too often I seen women of my mother’s generation zip their lips and do what is expected of them, despite feeling resentful at the lack of gratitude or or the barest ‘thank you’ received. Often these women have resentment building up inside them until they reach breaking point. Then the frustration and resentment pours out of them.

This can bring a catharsis that leads to change, or women sometimes very begrudgingly continue doing things out of obligation. Their spirit can start to eat away at itself because they think they must keep being the ‘good girl/woman’ in order to be approved and liked.

Tell them what you want, what you really, really want.

(Who says you can’t be a feminist and love The Spice Girls?) We need to make it safe for women to be honest. They should be able to say ‘no thanks, not today. I can’t. Please step in, just for today.’ There is always going to be judgment from people whom it actually benefits to keep women downtrodden. Perhaps they feel rigged into stepping in; or they feel like the woman is shirking her duties.

As women, we need to recognise the signs when we are holding the mantle of unrealistic expectations and getting burned out by it.

Who the f said we don’t need breaks and personal space, self-care and reflection time?

The need for personal space is often seen as optional for females, especially when they have kids. But regardless of duties or roles, we are individuals with as much need for personal time as men.

Sometimes it blows my mind how a woman can endure the pain of childbirth and still think it’s her lot in life to have to put up with misogynistic attitudes. We are strong enough to push a human out of our vaginas. Let’s start acting as strong as we really are, instead of being shamed into conforming to misogynistic attitudes to avoid the pain of judgment.

Misogynists have plenty to be judgmental about. But their judgment of us as women, as individuals, is often a sign that we are defining ourselves beyond their gendered limitations. Their judgment means they are frightened and confronted, not that you are unworthy.