Are expectations bad in a relationship? Considering a lot of the problems or misunderstandings in relationships occur when we expect something from someone that they cannot give us, they can be.
Another word for expectation is ‘should.’ You should do this for me. You should be like this. You should know this by now. You should know me by now.
People don’t fit into a box
Being in an authentic relationship with someone requires seeing them beyond the role they play in our lives. No matter if the person is a family member, friend or significant other, people are people, not automatons. They (like us) are flawed, so cannot live up to the perfect ideals we may have of them.
(These perfect ideals are unreasonable expectations, and are different from reasonable expectations, like expecting to be treated with respect and kindness).
The sad reality is people in a direct ‘role’ to us don’t always fit the role that society has dictated for them. Here are some examples.
– Mothers aren’t always nurturing and kind.
– Fathers aren’t always affectionately protective or full of paternal warmth.
– Spouses won’t always make us feel desired or excited or loved every moment of the day.
– Friends won’t always commiserate with our every complaint or share in our every joy.
– Children won’t always grow up to be who we wish they would be.
– Pets don’t always crawl into our laps for a cuddle when they’d rather sleep or have personal space.
But just because anyone fails to live up to these absolute expectations, it doesn’t make them any less worthy of our love.
Embracing the individual
When we learn to see people (and animals) as individuals, we start to accept them without conditions. Their behaviours no longer elicit such strong reactions from us. It’s all a pleasant surprise – their unique strengths and quirks, like the ability to make you laugh or turn a phrase with wit.
Seeing people as individuals also means their hang-ups and insecurities are acknowledged and treated with kindness. Our loved ones are allowed to have struggles without them feeling like they may have failed us somehow.
Take a moment to think about the roles you play in your life – son, daughter, brother, sister, friend, workmate, member of a community.
How do you feel when the way people treat you in these roles as conditional on something you do or say? Now compare that to the relationships where you are given the freedom to be yourself, without conditions. Perhaps you are given the grace to make mistakes, or to change your mind.
The difference is profound, for me anyway. When I’m expected to do things to feel worthy of someone I feel suffocated. When I feel like my individuality is respected I feel like I can breathe.
Breaking out of a role relationship takes courage
We’re in role relationships all the time, and most of us don’t realise it because it’s seen as normal. Breaking out of one takes courage.
If you don’t believe me, try doing any of the following:
– Tell a strict ethnic parent to see their child as an independent person with their own valuable dreams and opinions.
– Inform an old-fashioned man that his wife isn’t just a housewife with duties to have his chappatis on the table at 7pm every night, and a gleaming sink free of dirty dishes afterwards.
– Express your opinion to a horrible boss that employees should be allowed a voice in the company, with more creativity and autonomy in their roles.
It’s scary to think of doing any of these things. In each case, the person expects something of the other that they are not willing to give up. The relationship feels unequal, like superior and subordinate. That’s because expectations have a price – the other person’s freedom.
We should not just grin and bear it, because that’s ‘just the way things are.’ We should assert ourselves, to shrug out of the ill-fitting role that someone has thrown on us like a costume just because they expect something of us that we are not.
Disclaimer: Not everyone will react well
If we have the courage to challenge the expectations of stifling role relationships, we can break free and stay free.
Someone may be disappointed in us, even angry or disbelieving, and this can hurt. But the truth is if they truly love and respect you, they will listen to what you have to say.
Some people, on the other hand, prefer the idea of you to the actual you. If that’s the case, think of this as an exercise in weeding out people who aren’t willing to know who you really are.
‘Weeding out’ is a loose phrase – it doesn’t mean you have to cut out people from your life. The strongest role relationships are usually with family and significant others. These are usually relationships we don’t want to break.
So give them some time. It can take time for someone who is heavily conditioned to live according to role relationships to be told that you’re not playing by their rules anymore.
If the other person needs time to process, just remember that it’s not necessarily because they find it difficult to respect you. It’s because they are mourning the death of their lost expectation of you.
The lost expectations that other people have of us actually have nothing to do with us at all. It can feel pretty liberating to realise this, like you’re not living life in a prison cell anymore.
It can also help us be more patient and understanding with role-reliant loved ones after you’ve had the courage to say ‘I am not the person you want me to be. I would rather be myself.’
